August 18, 2011

Stuck in time..

I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. It's time. BUT the leaf just won't turn over.

I'm getting stronger after the pancreas procedure but I find myself wanting to stay stuck right where I am.

Not moving forward nor backward. Sitting on the sofa watching time pass me by.

Even the weather has improved to beyond beautiful with lots of sun and blue skies.

And still I sit. Contemplating possibilities. Options. Opportunities. Sometimes contemplating nothing.

Do I want to sit on the sofa forever and think sad thoughts about how upset I am that I have a pancreas disorder I do not understand.

I fit none of the criteria for this illness, disorder, disease or whatever it is called. Research has turned up nothing. Zilch. Zero.

Writing usually brings me out of any funk I fall into. I go to my desk now and slowly shuffle the papers. The stories. Scraps papers full of

endless ideas for stories. Notes on how to improve "the" novel. Yet I still do not move toward the office chair.

No possibility of sitting down and actually putting pen to paper or fingers on the keyboard.

Have any of you ever been stuck in a life situation and could not get out?

How did you manage to get started again? It seems my engine doesn't want to turn over.

I know it's psychological. I know I have to make the effort. I know. I know. I know. It's me. Yet I can't seem to make the first move.

Any thoughts on how I can move from this awful, horrendous place and get myself back out into the sunny world again???

I usually can shame myself back into action by thinking of people who have situations

much more dire than mine. 

It's not working. I still sit---  on the sofa. Sometimes with my head in a book and

sometimes not. Sometimes just staring out the window at the sunny deck or porch.

I'm not sure I'd even finish this blog if I were you --- it's so boring! I hate to be bored when reading something.

Perhaps I'll get off this sofa this very moment and do jumping jacks. Then again,  probably not.

Please can you throw me a rope and pull me up!!!

Anything, even loud yelling to make me stop this nonsense.

I'm a pig in mud.

Thanks to any of you who made it through this dreadful post.

What is  your story and how do you pull yourself up when you are down.

Thanks! Barb






12 comments:

  1. I made it through. Whew! Actually, it was not hard to wade through this post because I could relate so well. Isn't that what reading and writing is all about: building connections?

    Yes, I've been there. Your body and mind may need the time to heal. Inertia is not always a bad thing. It can be is one is resistant, but it can be good if one is healing.

    Support is the thing that gets me going again. I think having a support group, or two, or even more if necessary, is key.

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  2. I agree, some kind of support group would help. Sounds like you are in some kind of a depression. Are you on any kind of anti-depressant? I would talk to your doctor about this. Maybe you have some kind of chemical imbalance that needs straightening out. If this is not your usual behavior (and it doesn't sound like it), then SOMETHING it out of wack. Know that you have friends rooting for you! Take each day one day at a time. Write down a daily list of what you want to accomplish. Start small. Maybe take a walk around the block. Visit a shut-in. I'm listening to Tina Fey's new book, "Bossypants". It's quite funny. Note that I said, "listening", not reading. I downloaded it from my local library. It's like Tina is talking straight to you; not like she's reading the book. You might enjoy it and it would put you in a good mood.

    Take a drive. Go on a picnic. See a good movie. The Help is out now. Got great reviews.

    Just some suggestions....hope the help. :)

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  3. Oh Barb, I TOTALLY see and feel where you are at! I'm still having such a hard time getting myself out of my doldrums. Just when I think things are going ok, I get another set back. I haven't even written about the latest one, as it's so miserable! Now my knee is healed, in that it doesn't hurt, but I can't walk without pain. My muscles aren't working right. Every step feels like I'm going to fall. I have a dr appointment in two hours.
    My suggestion is to get up and go . . . outside, sit in the sun, walk, whatever . . . change your scenery.
    Oh, and write something! You have a good beginning :)

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  4. I realized after I walked away from this post that I had taken the first step of getting out of my funk.
    I am on an antidepressant. I believe I'm simply not healed from the procedure and not my best.
    BUt thanks for all the suggestions. I think I'm going to do each one. Make a list and follow it. Thanks for the support. B

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  5. Our bodies are such marvelous machines..but machines need healing when something goes awry. Time taken to do this is not time wasted. I hope you are eating properly and if you feel up to it, go for a walk, sit in a park, be around people, and don't get your "undies" in a bunch if you still feel down now and then. An illness, especially one that has no pat answers right now is life altering. When we want to cook something fast we throw it in a microwave....we don't have microwaveable bodies..you know, "ding" pain gone, "ding" problems solved"..etc. So hang in there and write out all your feelings here. They aren't boring and probably will be of great help to all of us who feel like this on many occasions!

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  6. The fact that you were able to sit at the keyboard long enough to write this post tells me you're on your way back from the darkness. It can be very depressing to feel like your own body is betraying you, and your recovery isn't going nearly as quickly or smoothly as you'd like. But you aren't keeping those feelings inside. You spilled 'em to us. And that's the first step. Hang in there. This, too, shall pass.

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  7. Hey Barb~ looks like you need the Ant Song!
    Whenever one of my Besties or I got into a funk, the other two would send text, vm, email, and just show up singing "High Hopes" which we lovingly have called the Ant Song for some 35 plus years...
    I think Frank Sinatra sang it best so imagine his voice or go here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIDLC8M4R28&feature=fvwrel

    High Hopes
    (Next time you're found with your chin on the ground)

    (There's a lot to be learned so look around)



    Just what makes that little ole ant

    Think he'll move that rubber tree plant?

    Anyone knows an ant can't

    Move a rubber tree plant



    {But he's got hi-i-igh hopes, he's got hi-i-igh hopes}

    {He's got high apple pi-i-ie-in-the-sk-y-y hopes}

    So, any time you're gettin' low, 'stead of lettin' go, just remember that ant

    Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant

    (Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant)

    {Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant}



    (When troubles call and your back's to the wall)

    (There a lot to be learned that wall could fall)



    Once there was a silly old ram

    Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam

    No one could make that ram scram

    He kept buttin' that dam



    {'cause he had hi-i-igh hopes, he had hi-i-igh hopes}

    {He had high apple pi-i-ie-in-the-sk-y-y hopes}

    So, any time your feelin' bad, 'stead of feelin' sad, just remember that ram

    Oops, there goes a billion-kilowatt dam

    (Oops, there goes a billion-kilowatt dam)

    {Oops, there goes a billion-kilowatt dam }

    Love to you Barb & praying you get out of your funk & get that creative groove on...been there... know whatcha mean♥

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  8. I wanted to read all the way through to the end, Barb! We've all felt this way before, me especially this summer as I recovered (still recovering!) from foot surgery! Give yourself permission to be kind to yourself during this period! It's okay to be down when life gets you down...but you will rise up again! As Pollyannish as it sounds (and I hate sounding that way) I take a look around me and realize how good I really do have it, even in the midst of things that are dragging me down. Hang in there and many hugs!

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  9. Don't do anything except heal. Besides, you really have no choice do you. If you don't feel like doing anything, then don't. Although I would take advantage of the blue skies and comfy chair on the deck. Give yourself permission to wallow for a little while longer. You'll get back into it when you're ready and not one second sooner. So enjoy your yourself. Think of this as a mandated hiatus. Pick a date say in mid-September and do all the stuff that's non-related to writing. Enjoy your break. If you change your mindset about this, you might end up feeling better.

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  10. Love love love the ant song!!! Remember it so well. High hopes. It made me smile. Every comment on here has made me feel so much better, higher than I've been in a while. I can't thank you enough. I feel as though I have friends circling around me, sending me sweet comfort.
    For that I thank you. Today has been better than the last few days.
    I am slowly doing all the things you've suggested and it is working. Plus as I said I'm gaining strength from these words.
    Bless you!!!

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  11. It sure sounds to me like you're grieving, and that process can't (and shouldn't) be rushed. You've lost a bit of health and certainty and you're adjusting. I would suggest doing all the kind things you can think of for yourself. Allow yourself to be still for as long as you need to. Maybe begin to move forward by writing a bit of something everyday, or going for walks (that always helps me so much). Sending you love and light and prayers.

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  12. Hi Barb, I hate to see you this way. If I was there, I would give you a big hug and a smile. Sit out in the sunshine and enjoy these beautiful days and I hope your spirit lifts soon.

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