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A Revolutionary New Diet...

Recently I went on a diet. Like most diets this one was scheduled around a major life event. My daughter's wedding. There would be no shopping for a mother-of-the-bride dress until the pounds came off.
Typically I go on a diet on Monday and by Wednesday I've folded beneath the weight of a German chocolate cake. I've been hijacked by as little as a stale pink sugar wafer discovered in the dark recesses of the bread drawer.
But this time things were going to be different. I could tell as I went to get the mail and discovered the first crocus of the season.
Life was looking up. Even though an icy rain began to fall, my spirits weren't dampened. Not even when huge drops pelted me on the head and I had to dash inside.
My latest plan would revolutionize dieting. If it worked for me it would work for the world. I smelled a book deal. I could see myself all made-over and liposuctioned sitting between Oprah and Dr. Oz.
It was full speed ahead. Gone were those complex menus. This plan called only for counting the calories of every morsel in my house that I did not eat. That's right. It wasn't what I ate that was important here. It was what I didn't eat.
I eliminated counting the calories I took in. The calories, or bonus points as I called them, would be converted to cash and spent however I desired. My reward would be a shopping spree at the local mall.
That very night I omitted biscuits with dinner. Thus, I avoided serving the leftovers with eggs the next morning. A quick bowl of Toasty Postys and I was out the door.
I worked up a sweat on the treadmill after work, walking to the tune of Ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ber-ann-oh-ba-ber-ann by the Beach Boys and made mental lists of all the foods I would eliminate in the coming days.
The next day I shelved the lemon meringue pie I'd planned and served a sugar cookie. The number of calories I managed not to eat at the end of that meal amounted to a tidy sum.
While doing dishes, I polished off the cookies in the box. My points were in the second bag I'd stashed in the cabinet and hadn't eaten. My bonus cup runneth over. I felt so ahead of the game I watched Oprah and planned my Chicago trip. I added a dollop of melted Land 'O Lakes to my popcorn.
Tiny mother-of-the-bride dress, here I come.
Everyday I drank at least eight glasses of water with lemon. Cheese cake in a glass. Well - almost.
I was building up muscles carrying in groceries. The more food I had in the house the more calories I counted as ones not eaten.
I made potato soup and eliminated the butter and cream. I threw in some low fat Parmesan. So, I had an extra bowl. I watched Oprah and took note of the colors of her set. My television debut dress would match to a tee. LATEST DIET BOOK AUTHOR would have nothing on me as I held up my new diet book.
Then something happened. My food bill tripled. And one tiny problem arose. The actual weight-loss part of my plan wasn't working. I still had to lie flat to pull on my old jeans.
What did work was the bonus part of the plan. My cupboards were overflowing with gobs of calories I hadn't eaten and I'd amassed enough points to spend an afternoon at the mall.
And in spite of the failure of my revolutionary new plan, I did lose some weight before the wedding. The thought of lighting unity candles in front of a huge congregation made me heave for a week before the big event.
Well, another major life event has passed and I have a brand new dilemma. I can't get into my Easter dress.
As I worried, another theory lit on my shoulder. It wasn't the food that was adding the weight to my body. It was the heavy air I was breathing. Would an air cleaner lighten things up? Or new furnace filters? How about dusting?
After I have a cookie I'll give this plan some thought and get right back to you.
PS
This was written a number of years ago when I actually did go on diets.
Bless you for reading. Comments or your diet stories welcome.

Comments

  1. Barb, you just might be onto something. It is sooo hard to lose weight. I'll just have to grab a few Hershey's Kisses and give it some thought. Maybe I can come up with a weight loss idea.

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  2. Well, if I was going to sit next to any TV host, it would be Oprah because next to her, anyone would look thin..So good job! Actually I hate that roller coaster called weight loss. Gives me a headache and a stomache all at the same time. But I'm always fooled into taking that ride. Once I got anorexia...I'm cured now. The End

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  3. I've never had weight problems but I have had chronic stomach problems for a long time and I think that keeps off the weight. It's not because I watch what I eat. I've hopefully learned to eat a bit healthier through the years but I have a real love for sweets, esp chocolate. Yes, Janet, Hershey's Kisses. They're the best. And so small it's okay to eat several. Finally at this point in my life weight is in my thoughts the least.
    Blessings. Thanks for reading.

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  4. Hm, send a few of those Hershey kisses my way and I'll join you in contemplating this issue today ... Hey, does contemplation burn calories?

    Cute story, thanks for the chuckle :)

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  5. You are just too much. I love your humor, and I can really relate to this type of thinking.

    I have one question. If we brought home the rolls from yesterday's dinner out, and I still didn't eat them tonight, does that mean I would get double points?

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  6. This was fun to read. I think it's heavy thoughts. That's what we need. Thoughts are things and things are heavy. Yep. We'll just eliminate all the heavy thoughts and we'll be light as air (but not that heavy air).

    Good story!

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  7. I loved reading that!

    I have never been on a diet. I am a firm believer that they don't work long term.

    Let us know what you work out about the air LOL!

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  8. I love all the comments and I think just from reading this all of you deserve a day of eating Kisses without calorie content. They do sell those but I have those bags stashed in my cupboard.
    I like the heavy thoughts and weighty matters giving us weight, Kate. Let's vow to leave those all behind.
    All of y'all have a good day.
    B

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  9. I LOVE THIS! 8-) I'm preparing to write yet another 'diet' blog myself...sigh..I think I need a new 'hobby'! This was so funny and so spot on!

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  10. Hi, Barb! LOL! I got a restraining order against diets a long time ago. They're not allowed to come within 50 feet of me ;-)

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  12. LOL Sam. I agree.
    I shared your upcoming book info on my facebook page. Had one comment already. Friend Sher checked out the book trailer. Beautiful. Loved the music etc.

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  13. Hi Barb.

    just thought I would respond to your post about Ollie. Our Ollie is actually called Oliver. We call him Ollie for short. Oliver means Peace - I assume it is some kind of derivative of Olive (as in the tree) because the Olive tree has been used as a measure of peace throughout history ie to extend the olive tree branch.
    Have a lovely day.

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  14. I used to use kids left over as an excuse for putting weight on. Now I use "being away from kids blues" as an excuse to eat sweets.

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  15. I didn't lose a single pound before DD1's wedding. No single pound. Those pictures are hideous--only if I am in them, the other ones are beautiful. I have several weight loss (and I use the term 'loss' loosely-and loosely in no way describes how my clothes fit) stories on my main blog: http://emptynest1.blogspot.com/

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  16. This is so funny! Too bad it didn't work, because I'm all for incentives. The only diet that seems to work for me is the one I'm on now, and the only reason I'm sticking to it is because I'm trying to avoid pain.

    I could so relate to the stale sugar wafer tucked away - those of us who adore sugar have an uncanny sense about where to find it.

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  17. LOL I love the humor in this story and the pace! Great job! I hope though you've found the diet that really works for you. Pass it on when you do!

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  18. This made me giggle. I am to be a grandmother for the first time in September. I want to fly to the UK much slimmer. A trim granny. I might try your diet. LOL

    :)

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  19. Sorry I'm a little behind in commenting.

    I had to laugh because while I was reading this, I was munching on a chocolate candy bar! I'm sitting in the laundry room at a campground, catching up on everyone's blogs while my laundry is getting done. Talk about multi-tasking!

    Diet IS a four letter word! But now that I've left that party town of Mesa, I SWEAR I'm going to start eating healthier and PUT THE BOOZE AWAY! I SHOULD lose some pounds, right?

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  20. Your comment today about my daughter who can't walk: Jen said, what a lovely lady. She sends you a BIG HUG (those are Jen's words). It made her day and mine.

    May you enjoy all the positives in your life. This is what I try to do in mine!!
    Ann Carbine Best’s Long Journey Home

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  21. Yes, you are definitely a writer! I read your diet saga and wished I could have written it myself, it's so clever. Dieting is not fun, but sometimes it's easy and most times it's really hard. I lost 9 pounds recently by counting calories, and now I'm trying to find the way to equilibrium, i.e., not losing and not gaining. WAY harder.

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  22. Hello and thanks for visiting my blog. Dieting is yuck! My suggestion and something that worked for me is "stop eating white food"! Pasta, rice, chips, potatoes, etc. At my age my metabolism doesn't work anymore and can't process all these carbs and they seem to go to fat instantly (like in 2 seconds) ha ha ha. Once I gave them up the pounds just fell off. Maybe you will try it! When I looked at the photos of me at my daughters wedding at 143 pounds I couldn't believe how fat and bloated I looked.......I now weigh 115! I swear it worked for me. Good Luck.......Brooke

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