January 22, 2014

Losing someone....

The month of January is almost over and I don't remember it ever starting. Not to say I don't remember my two granddaughters, Jillian and Samantha, going to dinner New Year's eve with me and spending a girls night watching movies and eating tons of food!
After losing my husband in November, I somehow moved through Thanksgiving (got through his birthday on the same day), and into December in a complete fog. I flew to Rhode Island to spend the holidays with our youngest daughter and her family in Massachusetts. I can only catch glimpses in my memory of what we did while I was there. Jill and I had some special times and shared lots of tears. I went to see two of the boys play basketball and they were good at shooting baskets and dribbling down the court. However it seemed I was someplace beyond myself. In space maybe - or outside my body looking at the world from a distance.
Spending Christmas with the four grandchildren (triplets 12 and our youngest grandson 8) was an extra special treat but without Raymond there was an unfilled place in my heart and at the dining room table.
The children kept me company every minute. Austin, the youngest, was a lot of fun. Mackenzie shared her big bed and her room. Still, there were reminders of his absence everywhere I turned.
Now at home, I've been caught up in the busyness of settling his estate. Doing paperwork, going to appointments alone, making decisions that will only impact myself. Turns out even the best laid final plans require a lot of work.
My life over the last few years has been regimented, scheduled around long hospital stays, doctor's appointments, surgeries, procedures, prescriptions to be filled, and pills to be dispersed. I'd taken over all areas of our existence except taking care of the almost two acres of lawn we have. Our daughter who lives nearby and her family did the lawn work last summer, with R helping very little. He simply was no longer able.
This year when warm weather arrives - and I'm counting on it arriving! -  I'll be learning to cut grass on the lawn tractor.
Because he loved the outdoors, the lawn, bushes, and trees, I plan to plant something in his honor. I haven't decided yet what. But it will be something he'd love.
When this first happened, I was sure I'd keep busy with my writing, my friends, my church. My -  my - my everything. Turns out mostly I amble around the place alone, touching things, and wondering what to do next. Wondering if I should do anything or maybe just take a nap. Often napping wins. I look at the dust gather. Think I should do the dishes. I do eventually but there's no hurry. No hurry to do anything. No where to go that's important. That's a huge change for me from the life I've lived for the last few years.
There's no guide to tell me what's next on the agenda.
I'm hoping that something in my life becomes important again. Right now I'm in a holding pattern.
Waiting. Not sure for what, but waiting nevertheless.
I've read several books on grief and that helps. I'm right on target. Smack in the middle of grieving. And no end in sight. I pray a lot and I know the Lord is listening. I'm just not getting any message except - HOLD ON. THIS WON'T LAST FOREVER. BETTER THINGS AHEAD. I hope so. I'm just not holding my breath. Bless you for reading this. If you have any advice or you've been through the loss of a spouse I'd love to hear from you! Hugs, B